When I started this journey, my journey, I was lost
The paths I walked were often dark with small glimpses of light from the sun
My sons
Anger and anxiety were a way of life
A way to draw my attention away from the pain
Pain I caused myself
I bought into the anger and anxiety of others
Listened to their words
Believed them
The path I chose was darker still
Along that path I met some wonderful and amazing people
People who changed the way I thought
How I felt
I still walked on darker avenues
I still gave so much of myself to the people who didn’t really care
People whose perception of me was even darker than I saw myself
Their perception
The wrong people
I still loved them
Loving the wrong people took me to even darker places
I’m not blaming them
It’s all on me
I made my own choices based on my own perception of love
My own search to fill the void
The deep emptiness I had felt inside
This emptiness took me into the arms of someone so undeserving of my love
Out of that love I was blessed with two lights that should have guided me
I still walked where darkness grew
I let that darkness grow in my heart
The darkness I let in took me into the deepest levels of Hell
My mind
I was stripped of my dignity
My integrity
My children
My love
My self
I was taken to a new low where I would be found lying dead on the floor
Holding the hand of Kali
Her red hair waking me from my darkness
Waking me from my ego
Waking me into the now
Now
I am here
My journey moving forward
Letting go the chains of anchors holding me to my past
My ego
I would spend the next four months sitting on a concrete floor
Deep in meditation and prayer
Walking in circles inside of colossal Walls
The Walls of my own mind
Sitting and eating with villains and heathens
Each of them guiding me and teaching me the deeper darker things I hated about myself
and then helping me learn to accept them
and grow
It was them I experienced the death of my ego
For the first time in my life I could smile again
It was then that the one I loved who loved someone else for so long left me
Alone
but not broken
When she left
When the truth came out
I was free
I was alive and happy in a way I could never be
Never like I believed
Now all these years later I am more alive than I had ever felt
It’s a daily struggle
The darkness still creeps in
It still visits
but after serving it some tea I ask it to kindly leave
When I started the journey I was lost
Some days I’m still lost
Sometimes is nice to get lost so you can find yourself
Your Self
I stand in the shadow of a great mountain next to the lake with my reflections
This is my journey
It’s just getting started
Stay tuned
It’s only getting better
(I don’t know this artist but I’d love to credit them)
