To really understand this post you’ll need to read “I swam naked in the freezing ocean…“
6:45 PM Saturday June 28, 2014
“The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belongs to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity.” ― Graham Greene
Love is truly the most powerful and wonderful thing that exists in our universe. Two people meet by chance and fall deeply and madly in love. It’s wonderful while it lasts, but the problem is love, like everything else, ends. Love always falls somewhere between living or dying. When you are in love it’s grand and you can slay dragons and climb mountains. When it ends you become the slain dragon, and the mountain becomes a weight of regret that rests on your heart.
Friday was a difficult day. Just to make a long story short we both walked away. No hard feelings, both loving the other, but also both knowing that what we had was broken and wasn’t working. So why am I so sad? It’s easy for many people to pick up the fragments of their heart and move on. Not for me. I deal differently. Obviously I write, but I also run away. Why? The ocean brings me solace. I can go there and sleep in my car, or tent and wake up after spending the night crying and hear the waves rushing in and it heals me. It heals my soul. I’ll be heading to Astoria to start. I thought about calling Stacey, but I won’t. I can’t. How could I? She’s the woman I left waiting when I ran home to be with someone else. I know she’d welcome me with open arms, but it’s not what I want. It’s not what I need and it wouldn’t be fair to her. I’ll eventually go see her. I need to. For now I just need to see the ocean, to write, to shoot photos and to heal.
I have rules this time. Although my blog will update to my Twitter and Facebook pages I will not be using any social media at all while I’m gone. No Facebook, no Twitter, and no Instagram. I need to step away for 48 hours. It’ll be tempting, but I’ll make sure I stick to it. I’ll be appending to the post by date and time. I’ll be totally honest about my feelings. I won’t use the name of my lady in any form. She knows who she is. She knows how I feel.
I’m off now. Next stop: Astoria, OR for Pizza and beer. Then, who knows?
10:00 PM Saturday June 28, 2014
I skipped pizza and beer. Stacey follows me on Twitter and sent me a text asking to meet up. I feel bad about it, but I told her I didn’t want to. The truth is, all I can think about is the other woman. It isn’t fair to Stacey. I’m not sure I can feel that way about her. Not right now anyway. I know how she must feel. I’ve been there. The thing is, she’s not a second option for me. I do really like her, but it isn’t right to lead her on thinking there could be more right now. So I drove on through Astoria and headed south. I’m not going to say where I am exactly. It’s a beach I love though. Here’s a photo from when I arrived.
I thought all the way here about all the stuff I would think about when I got here. It was pretty exhausting. Right now all I really want to do is sit on the back of my car, drink some Blue Moon, and watch some Louis CK on my iPad. The weather is supposed to be bad (or at least that’s what I’m telling myself) so I’m getting a room for the night. I’m not sure what I’ll do tomorrow. I might pack it up and go on home. My depression and anxiety are raging. Either way I’m here. I can enjoy a cold beer in the even colder air, and just not think while the rain starts to fall lightly. I’ve called ahead so my room in Astoria is ready when I get there. I’m in no hurry. It’s not like anyone is waiting on me anywhere. I do miss my boys. I miss them horribly. Sitting here alone looking out over the lonely ocean I realize how truly alone I feel inside sometimes. Unless something exciting happens I won’t update until I get up tomorrow morning. The waves crashing onto the shores take me back to holding her…
The ocean swells around me
My heart sinks and expands rapidly
I have racing thoughts of blinding desire
To walk hand and hand
Holding deep into sleep
6:45 AM Sunday June 29, 2014
I had a couple of strange dreams. It might have been because I decided to sleep in the car instead of driving to the motel. In one dream I was a mouse, a human mouse. I was the servant for my love, and was being paid in cheese.
The other dream my love and I were shadows. Always trying to touch, yet never being able to. We would fade in and out of each others lives. Only fading each time one or the other tried to get close. Then I woke up to a giant seagull on the windshield.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. No one cares.
I’ll spend the rest of the morning on the beach. It’s wet and cold. My camera batteries died, and I forgot my charger. I also forgot my skateboard. I guess I was just in too much of a hurry to think about the things I’d want or need.
10:30 AM Sunday June 29, 2014
I have my friend Steve’s car. It has much more room, and is much cleaner than mine. I’ve spent the past couple of hours collecting shells, and walking along the beach. I’m in Rockaway Beach. I’m waiting to have lunch at my favorite place to eat on the coast, and then I’ll start back north. I thought about just driving home, but it’s not like anyone is waiting for me, or that anyone even cares. My kids are there, but I won’t get to see them until Wed now.
I finally talked to Stacey today. I guess I’m going to stop and see her on my way through to Cape Disappointment. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’ll say.
I held on so tight lately to the idea of a relationship with my last, whatever it was, and so many times tried to walk away only to have her continually ask me not to. When we finally made plans to see each other, she called and told me we shouldn’t talk anymore. That hurt. Especially since she knew how many times I tried to walk away, and she wouldn’t let me. We spent so much time on the phone Friday with her telling me how excited she was to see me. Then out of the blue she sent me a message over Facebook. So I walked away. Ran away I guess. I needed to run just so I could find away not to be so sad about it. I won’t go back. Hope is a funny thing. You cling to it so much, and then like a rug it gets pulled out from underneath you. So here I am. Sitting on a picnic table at the coast, and I don’t feel sad at all anymore. I feel alive. I have so many possibilities. So many people want to spend time with me.
The thing is… I think I want to be alone for awhile.
1:30 PM Sunday June 29, 2014
We’re all just as lonely inside. Broken, afraid.
I often wonder what it would be like to be a normal guy, and not have all of these emotional attachments, to be able to just want to be with a woman and move on. I just can’t. I can never be that kind of guy. I feel lonely. Alone. The sad part is, the people who understand are just as broken as I am, so they can’t afford to get too attached. I think my willingness to be attached is gone. I no longer desire to be with someone right now. I no longer desire to be with her. I love her, but as I watch the crashing waves it hits me how much like my heart that is right now. Just as much as the power builds to crash into the rocks, a little is chipped away slowly over time. I miss her. As time slowly moves by me I see that attachment to her, to the idea of being with her, fades.
How wonderful it would be if love fell as easily as the rain on the water.
As Lana Del Rey’s song Blue Jeans comes on my playlist I’ll just sit here and watch the crashing waves on the back of a borrowed car, on borrowed time, on a borrowed life…
There is a comfortable silence that falls when you’re around someone you’ve known for years. Even when you’ve known that person a short time, but you feel your souls have been tied together for an eternity. It’s there, that feeling of perpetuity.
3:30 PM Sunday June 29, 2014
I guess it’s time to head back to Astoria. I’m almost two hours south. I might just head home after. I miss my bed. Summertime Sadness is playing. It seems appropriate.
9:45 PM Sunday June 29, 2014
Beyonce – Drunk in Love was playing on the radio as I pulled up. If I had any more faith in kismet or serendipity I would have taken this as a sign. I hear a familiar tone from my phone. I look down, and the lady I’m running from has sent a text. “I miss you” is all it says. The truth is, I miss her too. Was this a sign as well? Before I could process it I looked up, and after all this time dreading there stood Stacey. Her smile was as warm and inviting as a morning sunrise. She was visibly excited to see me. She was almost hoping up and down. Never in my life do I remember a time when someone was excited to see me to this extent. My anxiety started to dissipate, and I found myself smiling back. I started to feel anxious in a different way. They way I imagine two people who have always known each other, but have been separated by time and distance. She threw her arms around me with such force it almost pushed me over. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her closer than I ever thought I could. I breathed in the air around us, her shampoo, her perfume, her anticipation. It all hit me like a painful memory and I stepped back. She understood. She always seems to understand. Seeing this I can see how amazing she really is. I stepped in close again, and said “Hello, Stacey” and she smiled back and whispered “You’re late.” I explained that I stopped several times due to anxiety, and the need to write. She understood. She always does. She took my hand and we walked into The Wet Dog cafe. It felt odd holding her hand. It was familiar, yet I felt like I had betrayed someone by touching her hand.
We both ordered an IPA, Bitter Bitch, they brew it here. We just sat and talked, she didn’t care why I was running, or who I was running from, only that I was there, in that moment with her. The first few times she touched my hand I withdrew, and slightly pulled away, and she just smiled. She didn’t mind. I was there. We were there, together. I showed her photos of my boys, and she let me see photos of her daughter.
It’s funny how you can know a person for years, and never really know them.
We laughed at each others worst, and cried when we brought up each others ex. Time moves in very strange ways when you are with people that you connect with. Time moved so slowly. There had to be a connection. We swam in the ocean with each other naked. The element of not knowing each others bodies was off the table, so we were comfortable. I think with her I would have been comfortable regardless. The way she touched my hand, the way she smiled at me, and laughed at my obnoxious sarcasm.
Then it was time to go. We walked outside, and she looked at me. Once again she asked me to stay. I couldn’t. I explained that I have an unresolved matter, yes that same girl from before. She smiled, and said she understood. I explained that it wouldn’t be fair to her if I couldn’t commit myself in a manner that only concerned her. As always, she understood. Then I leaned in and I kissed her. More amazing to me is she kissed back. We pulled each other close as if we would never see each other again. We stood holding each other for at least twenty minutes. Then one more kiss and I turned to walk away. As I did I felt the overwhelming need to look back, and when I did she ran to me again. I felt at home with her there on the street. The sun was out, and you could smell the salt water. On top of all that I could still smell her shampoo, perfume, and anticipation. Then I did something I wasn’t even expecting. I asked her to visit me for the weekend.
I’m impetuous so maybe I was speaking out of some kind of fear or any other irrational logic that doesn’t make sense.
It was the first time I had ever known her to fall silent. She looked to the ground and simply asked “Do you mean it?” “Indeed” I replied. Then we kissed one last time, and I walked away. I felt a little guilty, a little overwhelmed, and a lot like I was finally ready to move on.
I don’t know that it’ll go anywhere. The truth is, I still feel like I want to be alone right now. I guess it’s good she lives two hours away. It’ll give me plenty of time to get to know me, to find out what I really want. I know she won’t pressure me, and I’m not going to pressure her. I’ve lost a wonderful woman already trying to make a relationship out of nothing. I guess it’s why I feel so guilty now, for once though I can just let things flow. Let them flow where the Universe takes them. I’m a little frightened of the prospect of moving forward in any fashion now. The one thing I have is time. It’s time to stop killing time and living a little.
As I was driving away she stood waving. I waved back, and Mazzy Star’s Fade into You flowed across my playlist.
Now that I’m back home, sitting alone on my couch finishing this blog post. I’m still not sure how I feel. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I still love the lady I was running from. Terribly so. I don’t love Stacey. I was honest about my feelings, my expectations, and my motives. Stacey knows where I stand. As always she understands.
We’ll see I suppose. I’ll take a few more days to process what has happened over the past several days. I have a lot of meditation time to figure out what’s going on in my head. I’m confused, heart broken, excited, and have a million other emotions dancing in my head. More than anything over all, I’m still content.
I’m defiantly tired from driving so much in one day, so sleep should come pretty quickly. I hope I don’t dream. I just want the memory of the last several days to permeate in my thoughts, so I can try to piece together an image of where I really want to be. I have a Blue Moon in my hand, and Mazzy Star is on my record player. There is nothing like the sound of vinyl when it comes to music. I can go to sleep feeling hopeful. I might have even gained some faith back in kismet and serendipity, maybe. Either way, I am content, for whatever reason the Universe has led me here. I have to stay strong in the belief that it has a plan. That there is some grand scheme that has made these last few years of my life such a living Hell just to bring me around to where I’m sitting now, and hand me something better, anything better than where I was a year ago, even just a few short months ago.
But here I am. I’m waiting.
After all, all we are is dust in the wind.