I don’t count my year by good or bad times. I just doesn’t make any sense to me. I can honestly say that my shitty vs. good days this past year were pretty even. Maybe, but does it really matter? So what? I had some really shitty times last year. I try not to look back. I try always to move forward, but when an editor asks me to give a three minute review on my year I focused on these things: I spent so much time with my kids. We skated, we went to the beach, we played with Legos, we smiled a lot. We hugged a lot. We lived life. I got this second job that had nothing to do with writing or photography. I ended up loving it. I got to meet, and fall in love with so many people along the way. Nearly all of them. I made some of the best friends I’ll ever have, and rekindled my friendship with others. I swam naked in the ocean with a beautiful friend, I kissed the most amazing woman I have ever met, and I got to make her smile.
Isn’t that what it should really be about? The smiles? The good times?
I think so…
I decided last year I would start counting my blessings, and try never to look back at hard times except to remind myself how far I’ve come.
Because I have.
I’ve been through the pits of Hell. I have snapshots and scars to prove it. I’ve been Icarus. I really discovered that I needed to humble myself, and live life more with less. In many ways I found this out too late, but isn’t that good? Shredding the bad? I’m a pretty public figure I guess. I get stopped a lot because of writing and skating (I’m not very good at either btw), and I try to chat with every person who stops me. I learn something new from everyone I meet. Often times it’s something I like or don’t like about myself, but I do learn. This being a public figure thing haunts me sometimes. It isn’t nearly as exciting as I thought it might be at times, but I appreciate everyone who has made it possible. I only wish it didn’t affect the people I love the most.
I don’t have some grand spiritual journey. I simply want to live by “Be kind and love”. Some days I do very good, and other days I fail. Most often with the people who I’m closest to.
I love deeply, very deeply. I try to take a piece of everyone I meet with me everywhere. Love is really what it’s all about. When you find real love it makes you question everything. The person you were before slowly starts to change, and we become softer in many ways. Holding on to love is the hardest. It all comes down to faith. Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. You might get hurt, you might not. I would rather chance being hurt, and discovering a deeper true love experience than give it up too easy.
As I sat on top of a camper meditating in mid November at the California/Arizona border I made a promise to myself. Don’t give in too easy, and don’t give up so easy.
It’s easy to give up and walk away. I’m guilty to holding onto things far longer than I should. Mostly out of fear of rejection or abandonment. That changed that night. I watched a shooting star right after I finished meditating. I didn’t read some grand message, but I did see it as a sign that it was time to move forward as a stronger, better, more loving human person.
I fail a lot. I get back up. I fail again. No matter how my anxiety and depression kick in I still always try to find the bright side.
My bright side will always be love.
Thank you for reading,
Twitter and Instagram @tanisjustice