How to love a difficult woman.

How to love a difficult woman.

There is a lot to be said about falling in love, especially falling in love with the right person. We all fall in love, and more often than not it’s with someone who brings out the worst qualities in us. Why though? What is it about us as humans that causes us to reach and grab hold of someone; anyone; that we can try to relate our own version of reality with? Most men look for a woman who cooks, cleans, and resembles everything that looks like a Stepford Wife. Someone said, and I’m not sure who, but I know I’ll get a few emails telling me, that “If she doesn’t scare the shit out of you then she isn’t the one”. My entire life I dated, and eventually married, women that I thought were “safe” “normal” and “average”. I’m not in any way saying that those women are bad. Each and every woman I met taught me lessons. I learned a lot about women, myself, and how to act in a relationship. Each and every lesson was leading me, pushing me, to my ultimate destination in my life, a difficult woman.

I wasn’t looking for her. I really wasn’t. When I met her she was witty, sarcastic, and very forward. One might even say pushy. She became one of the biggest pain in the asses I had ever met, and that might actually be why I fell in love with her. So I did; fell in love; and I wasn’t ready for it. I was trying to avoid it. It was over many deep opinionated conversations with her that I would discover that the reason she was difficult was because of all the other shit she’d gone through. It was like a Tootsie Pop I suppose, without the sexual innuendo of course, the more layers that melted away I discovered a soft and gentle woman waiting inside.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s still a pain in the ass sometimes, but the man I am is a better man for knowing her. So what can I tell you about loving a difficult woman? What insight can I give you to help you find that one glorious pain in the ass that you’ll enjoy waking up to every day to make coffee for? Here are a few tips I have to break through the walls of bullshit that good women build up to protect themselves against the onslaught of men wanting only to get into their pants.

1: Be honest.

This might come as a surprise to many of you, but most people aren’t honest when they first meet people. By most people I mean many men when they meet a woman. Let’s face it; our first instinct is to mate. More often than not people tell you what you want to hear. The difficult woman has heard it all, and can probably recite it to you as if it was Barney Stinson’s Bro Code Book. Be honest. Let her know what’s on your mind.

2: Open up.

Let her know why you’re different. Let her know why she’s different. Honestly, chances are she knows what your intentions are straight away, so letting her know up front that you’re interested in more than just her body is important. She can have any guy she wants, so you need to let her know why she should consider you as serious contender for her heart.

3: Be original.

As I said, she knows the play book. She knows the players. Don’t be a player, be a man.

4: Trust her.

Trust in her ability to just be herself. If she’s opening up to you then give her the opportunity to open up.

5: Don’t judge her.

She’s just opened up to you. We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. She’s kissed her share of frogs finding your toad ass, so don’t judge her when she does open up to you. So don’t judge her based on what she tells you when she opens up. It’s hard, but it’s part of being a real grown up man. Besides, you were one of her choices, and no one knows you better than you. Let that sink in.

6: Be kind:

In general you should always be kind. Let her know that she’s safe with you by showing your kindness. You can go out and help old ladies cross the street and feed the hungry to show her

or

Just hold her hand and let her know that you won’t judge her. Let her know that you accept her past as part of who she is.

7: Accept that she is who she is, difficult or not.

She should know that even on her worst days that you’ll be there. There will be mornings when you wake up and the shit will be flying from all ends of the spectrum. Her anxiety, her anger, her self-worth will all be spinning, and what she really needs from you is your understanding. It probably isn’t you, so get over yourself. Get up, make her coffee, and smile. Assure her that everything is fine, and that everything will be ok even if it’s not ok at that very moment. She needs that.

8: Love her.

Actions speak louder than words. Love her because she is difficult, because it makes you a better man for knowing her. Love her because it’s the one thing she really needs. We can all run out to buy flowers when we think something is wrong. What she needs is for you to look her in the eyes, and really let her know you love her when the shit hits the fan. Write her a letter. Leave it by her bed, place it in her lunch bag, or write it on her mirror. Anyone can spend money on her. She’s difficult for a reason, and often times that reason is that no one has ever really taken the time to show her how important she really is in their life. Be that man. (That being said, flowers are always a good idea.)

9: Be patient.

Things will be hard at times. She’s complicated, she’s complex and she’s difficult. Sometimes no answer you give is right and other times she isn’t looking for an answer. Sometimes she wants you to listen, sometimes she wants you to talk and there are times when she just wants you to shut the hell up. Be patient. Hold her when she needs held and let her walk away when she needs to. Always listen, even if you think you’re being attacked or that her anger is aimed at you. It’s usually not. We take our anger out on the people we love the most. Chances are she’s never had a man sit and let her just go off about the things she needs to steam about. The fact is that if you are patient and listen that the real reason she’s angry will eventually come out. She’ll apologize and you’ll have a complete understanding of what she really thinks about that guy she has to drive behind every day on the way home from work.

10: Deep breaths.

Smile and take a lot of deep breaths. Hang on, the love she has is really worth it.

In my case she wasn’t near the monster that she tried to convince me she was. That’s the thing; a difficult woman will try to convince you she’s a lot meaner than she is. She’ll try to scare you, chase you away, and put up every road block to see if you really are a man or a player. Be the man. It’s not easy. You’ll bite your tongue, you’ll wish you did when you didn’t, but if you follow these ten simple guidelines you’ll be rewarded with the one thing you probably would never have guessed you would have. A love that is truer than you’d ever known, a real partner and in my case a best friend.

She’ll always be difficult. It’s who she is. She might end up being the biggest pain in the ass you’ve ever loved, but she’ll be your pain in the ass. The way she’ll love you will outshine any love you’ve ever know though. Let her be herself. That woman you fell in love with. Trust me, she’s worth it.