I Can’t

Stuck in traffic and no one to flirt with except truckers.

Not happening.

My phone rings and I don’t recognize the number.

I answer.

It could be the school, my doctor, or a random hot stranger.

It could be.

It wasn’t.

It’s the ex-girlfriend.

She flirts. We talk. She wants to grab lunch. I tell her I’ll think about it and say goodbye.

I turn on the radio. All 80’s! Yes!

They play:
Poison – Every Rose Has A Thorn
Bryan Adams – Cuts Like A Knife
The Cure – A Letter Yo Elise

I hear the echoes of the Universe in my heart.

Now I remember. Again. I can’t return to that place and pain. It doesn’t matter how much I miss her sometimes.

I text her snd it and it simply says:

“I can’t”

A Note To Myself

There are times
Where all I want
All I need are

You

Drifting from consciousness
Wandering of thought
I imagine where you are

and what we could be

There are moments
Fleeting at best
Trying to remember

Who
and
Why

Where are you?
Why can’t I find you?

Even in my dreams your light escapes me

and I am left alone
and afraid

I know that I am only whole when I am with you

I am only awake when we are alive together

I miss you

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The Devils Desire

Under stars like the blanket that cover you

I kiss your lips

Heaven bows to the majestic view of your form

As I marvel in your greatness

Bowing only to your whims

Bending to your desire

I follow the road signs to your inner thighs

Slowly and gracefully

You succumb to my will

You overflow with overwhelming anticipation

I follow the white rabbit into it’s lair

Your nails drag into my back

Your screams piercing the very fabric of time

As I lead you down the path of nirvana

and into the very gates of the heavens that worship you

We both know that even the demons of hades envy you

The Devil himself watches as we dance in his smile

As the Gods of old and new turn a blind eye to our secrets

Secrets only we share

Under the the stars like the blanket that cover you

I Surrendered

“Stay…” She said softly

As I turned to walk away

“Please, won’t you?”

Her voice carried on as if it was the only sound I’d ever heard

So clear

So demanding

Yet soft and subtle

I stopped at the door

My jacket in hand

It’s already 3 AM

It’s already too late

My head was spinning from hours of her mental stimulation

and visions of her body

She held me tight

Like a sailor lost at sea

Clinging for life

and I was her lifeline

Our bodies merged in a merciless struggle to become one

We found our weary souls blazing new paths of love and excitement

Across the landscape of our flesh

Across the barrier of trust and doubt

“Why should I stay?” I asked hesitantly

“Because I need you” she said gruffly

“Because I know you want to” she whispered

Her voice

It called to me

Her voice

The Siren that Homer wrote about

My Siren

I must obey her call

I drop my jacket and walk slowly too her

I must obey her call

One last time

One more time tonight

It’s nearly daylight now

The time draws closer that I need to part

but I can’t separate myself from her

Our souls

Our bodies

Merging as one

Time and time again

Time after time

Meeting new gods and dispelling old one

Creating tiny universes and then destroying them

With the ever crushing blows of our bodies pushing into each other

Like the ocean waves crashing onto the shores of an undiscovered island

My love for her grew

Her love for me drew me in

and I surrendered to her

I surrendered to her will

and her body

and her mind

I surrendered

It’s the morning hour

I collect my thoughts

I collect my clothes

I pick my wrinkled jacket up from the floor

Where it’s lying in front of the door

I opened the door to leave

She beckoned once again

“Please, stay…”

and I surrendered

Recovering Souls

It’s my feeling that we are all recovering souls in one way or another. It’s fair to say that we all have some sort of addiction, and many of us feel broken in one way or another. I know I have felt that way a good portion of my life. Anymore I’ve finally figured out that the parts in me that I thought were broken or different are really what have built me into the person I am. The foundation to the house my soul lives in, if you’ll allow the analogy.

When I lost my close friendship with my best friend, Jennifer I really thought I’d never find another friend I could feel that close to. My friend Bonnie, who was there for me in my darkest period, couldn’t be that close because she lives so far away. She’ll always be my dearest friend. I realize after meditating on it that I have many good friends. I’m not going to list them, but this past February when I needed them they really stepped up. I’ll never be able to thank them enough.

In the wake of Jennifer I decided to really just hang out with my boys, work, write, and really work on myself. The Universe, as it seems the Universe always does, had another plan.

A while ago I started talking to someone. She lived near Stacey close to Astoria. She had a lot going on in her life, as I did, but we seemed to hit it off really well. I wasn’t looking for anything. After all I had all the drama of my own going on with Jenny and Kat. (and poor Stacey) it seemed silly to think I could have anything more to give of myself to anyone else, so we just talked. She was also in a relationship that was ending hard. We were just reaching out to each other to find someone that understood our situation without the need or desire to have a relationship. The truth is we both just needed an ear to listen to what was going on in the other’s life.

We became closer than we thought, but not in that “I feel the need to sleep with them or be in a relationship with them” attachment way. We were just friends. Now we don’t go a day without talking. A couple of weeks ago we even let our kids meet each other.

Here was the best part. Without the attachment that develops in most friendships we were able to keep close without the need for desire or expectation of anything from each other. Absolutely no expectations in any manner. We didn’t hold each other to anything other than just being completely open and honest about everything. I mean everything too. I found myself telling her things that I even felt odd talking to Jennifer about. I was as open with my new friend as I am with Bonnie, and I tell Bonnie everything. TMI x3! The friendship that developed with my new friend was different. Closer than we thought we’d become.

I love to skate, mostly longboard anymore. She wanted to learn how to skate, so I gave her my extra board, and she picked it up pretty quick. So I have a new skate partner, and it’s great because we can skate the trails to the beach.

The best part of my new friendship was just having someone I could finally just be my broken self around, and she didn’t care. She can be her broken self around me, and I don’t care. We can both be awkward, and silly without any judgement or need to be anything other than just us. Just be. One minute we’re talking serious about the person we have a crush on, the next minute we’re walking on the beach holding hands. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt I can just sit silently, and just not talk without the need to fill in needless, nervous conversation for the sake of filling time. We can just sit, watch the sunset, beach comb, or hang out without the need for the nasty non-vegan cream filling. We can simply just be. I’m as honestly surprised as she is we became such close friends.

When you remove desire and expectations the level of friendships you find and discover become deeper and more important.

Neither feel the need to rush into anything. That’s fantastic! It’s the feeling that when she looks at me, or listens to me that she’s really present and there with me that means the most. We don’t have the need to worry or plan for a future, because we are too busy living the moment we have. Moment by moment. Relaxed and fun. Living in that one moment. Doesn’t matter if we’re skating, or if she’s laughing at me for acting like an ass. Each moment is just there. Until we say goodbye. Even then we know it’s only temporary. We both get that. Life and everything else is temporary. So we don’t waste our time together living in regret, or ever worrying about judging each other for our messed up past. After all, it’s the past. We can’t change it, so why ever let it bother us. Our past is our story. It’s who we are. It’s why we are who we are. We can let it guide us or define us.

I’d prefer to let my past guide me. It doesn’t define me. I never wake up the same person as I was the day before. I can’t. That guy is gone. I wake up with more hair, more memories, and more enlightenment.

I’m not perfect. I’ll never be prefect. I’ll never try to be perfect.

I’m just a recovering soul.

Like you.

I have a new friend who has made my soul smile, and I hope I make her soul smile too. Life is too short. Live moment to moment in that moment, and just be. Be happy. Find that one friend that makes it all better.

xoxo

Follow my on Twitter and Instagram @tanisjustice

My sound track while writing was all Blink 182 (because I actually get asked what I listen to while I write).

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She Dances

A silver men’s watch rested on her wrist

Like her soul it was broken long ago

It was worn as a reminder of her past

She has no need for time

She’s never in a hurry

The world stands still and marvels at her as she dances by herself

With her selves

Many forgotten memories come flooding back

As she hides the tears

She climbs into a bottle

“When will I find it?” She screams

Her day is coming

It has been told by the stars of a thousand worlds

As two suns revolve around her heart

Now…

Now she waits

Silently dancing to the hum of the Universe

As it calls to her in her sleep

New Beginnings

New beginnings are always hard. It seems that since February ended I’ve had multiple starts and re-starts, but I keep wondering if any of them were true new beginnings. I’ve met some truly fantastic people, fallen in love, fallen out of love, had my Herat broken, and put my heart through every gambit of emotions it can take. Yet, it beats on stronger and harder.

Despite what people believe getting over my ex-wife was much easier than they think. I could say that it was hours of meditation or some secret zen Buddhist Jedi mind trick, but the truth is I had seen it coming for years. It was only through deep meditation that I could fit the pieces together. I found that although I did love her that it had been some time since I was actually in love with her and she with me. We, like many people, stuck it out for our kids. We were happy, sometimes. I believe I was happier than she was. I’m a true hopeless romantic, and I believe I wanted to believe that we were in love. I wanted the fairy tale, instead we were living a secret nightmare. Like all dreams though, we woke up.

“It’s easy to make promises when you’re dumb in love, and then watch them all evaporate when you’ve had enough.” – The Descendants

I’ve defiantly had my share of dating mishaps over the past few months. If you follow me on Twitter (@tanisjustice) or are friends with me on Facebook then you know I talk a lot about the dates I have, or even the girl I’m seeing at the time. I usually don’t use their names. There have been a few times I have. Usually it’s Yoga Girl, Kitten, etc. Here’s an example. If you’ve read any of my blog you’ve read about Stacey. I left Stacey waiting for a girl who continually broke my heart, used me to get closer to the guy she really wanted, accused me of love fraud (which turns out what she was doing to make the other guy jealous), and finally got angry because I wouldn’t introduce her to my best friend Jennifer. Jennifer hated this other woman, and wanted nothing to do with her. What ended up happening was the entire thing pushed Jennifer and I closer together. We jumped into bed, and ruined a perfect friendship. We’ve tried to repair it, but it’s just not there anymore. Which is sad, because I miss her so much sometimes. Even when she visits it just isn’t the same. So Stacey? Stacey, the girl who waited, stopped waiting. I don’t blame her. I’m not exactly a catch, in my opinion. She’s a good girl, and she deserves better than someone who left her waiting. She’s happy now. I’d guess happier than I could have made her. That really makes me happy.

Where am I now? Who knows. Who cares? I’m rooted in the Tao, and the Universe has my back.

A few weeks ago I took my boys to the coast to skate, skimboard, and to fly kites. My favorite little red kite’s string broke, and it floated away with the wind out over the ocean. I took this as a sign to let it all go. The worry about falling in love, the worry about being alone, and the worries about everything outside of those two smiling boys I love so much.

The truth is I’m happy with the way things are. Sure, I could have a better living situation. I could make more money. I could have waited it out with Jennifer to see if it was really going somewhere, but I didn’t. It wasn’t right. I could finally see the forest. By watching that kite float away it made me realize that it’s all going to be ok. It was my favorite kite. It was. It’s an object. It can be replaced. It brought me back to one of the basic Buddhist principles, everything is temporary. It’s just a kite. It’s just a fear. It’s just (fill in the blank).

It’s all temporary.

My love goals? I have none. I’m just going to float like a leaf in the wind. The Universe has a plan. Hopefully it leads to a ginger with blue green eyes that sparkle like the stars at night. I’d settle for a blonde, or a woman who likes coffee and thinks I’m funny. (I am by the way!)

But really, who cares? Life goes on. It’s too short to put your energy into worry, regret, and grief.

I’ve done what I’ve done. I am who I am. I’m not who I want to be. I might not be where I should be, but I’m not the man I was. I can take comfort in that.

Thanks for reading. xoxo