The biggest lie I tell people

Is that I’m ok…

On nights like tonight I’m my own worst enemy

Listening to the voices in my head telling me it’s all going to be ok,
but Knowing that they’re fucking lying to me

My friends, loved ones
They all say it’s going to be ok

but what do they really know?

Tonight of all nights I need to be alone

to feel alone

because I am…

It’s then I hear the front door

slowly squeaking open

A few seconds of silence and then I hear the familiar sound of footsteps climbing the stairs

Slowly moving their way to me
They seem so distant in my bourbon induced daydream

yet slowly they approach

In the doorway I see her



Her flat billed hat dripping with water

We both stare in silence
Both waiting for the other to speak

“Why are you here?” I ask

She just stares in silence
Her crystal blue eyes ripping their way into my soul

just like so many times before…

“Why did you come?” I choke out barely over a whisper

“You need me” she said softly

“Go home. Just go away from me. This is hard enough. I don’t need you, believe me” I growled

She paused for a moment
It could have been an hour, it could have been a day

Then she smiled and stepped sideways in and walked to me

She sat down graceful next to me on the couch and took my glass

In one gulp she finished it

I always admired that about her, she can hold her hard liqueur

After several minutes of silence she put her arms around me

I didn’t struggle

Every atom in my body was screaming out for her

and her touch is suddenly electric

She cleared her throat

“Hey” she said…
“I blew off a date with a really good looking guy to come see you, you furry faced fucker. Now fix me something to eat!”

She leaned in and kissed my forehead

I kissed her cheek and found my way into the kitchen

“Vegan Mac & Cheese it is”

She was excited. She always loves my cooking. She always loves when I remember she’s a vegan

“Most guys make such a fuss about the vegan bullshit. You always amaze me when you don’t fuss.” She said almost laughing…

She seems to forget I’m a vegetarian

We eat in small bites while holding almost no conversation

Mostly regarding pleasantries about our children, skating, or music.

“Oh!” She said over excitingly and sat her bowl down

“Look what I brought!” as she pulls out the new Pearl Jam record, Lightening Bolt

It was the first time I’d really smiled all day

I leaned in to hug her and as if nature itself took over I kissed her

and she kissed me back…

It was the first time in months that we’d both made the move to stay close without hesitation
Lingering on every second as if the breath between us was the last bit of air left in the entire universe, and then we released and a few seconds of awkward silence settled in.

The awkward silence is always deadly

“Here” she said jumping up and removing the vinyl record from it’s sleeve

“Do you mind if we listen to Sirens? I’ve been dying to hear this since I picked it up last month!”

“Last month?” I asked puzzled

“Well… Yes…” She half whispered in a raspy voice as she placed the record on the player

“Silly boy, you didn’t think I’d listen to it without you did you?” She asked with a smile

“Well, we said goodbye, again. I thought it was for good.” I exclaimed as I could taste the bourbon on my own breath

She smiled softly and only looked at me out of the corner of her eye

She loves to watch the record spin

She’s always most beautiful with the soft light and smiling

“We always say goodbye” she said bluntly “We never mean it, there are no real words for goodbye for us”

Her words rang in my ears like the sirens the music spoke of

She’s right though, she’s always right

We’ve said goodbye so many times, and as soon as we need each other we just show up. It seems some cosmic voice whispers in our ears to let us know that the other is broken and needs some sort of spiritual repair…

“We made a pact. When one or the other is breaking down, no matter where we are or what we’re doing we’ll do our best to be there.” She said quietly as if reading holy scriptures

and there I was breaking and here she is…


Call it magic, kismet, serendipity, or cosmic whispers she always knows when I need her

as I know when she needs me…

She settled in close on the couch and we didn’t talk

We just listened

The music, our breathing, our hearts…

Then she turned slightly to me

Her face went white, and she seemed to forget herself

“What is it, Jenn?” I asked

“You’ll think I’m stupid” she said shyly

I don’t see her like this often, she’s rarely vulnerable like this

Maybe it was the bourbon, maybe it was the music

“I always think you’re stupid, and I hate you” I said pulling her close

Her lips met mine

I was aiming for her cheek…

“Don’t you even love me? Even a little?” She said with tears in her eyes

She pulled away and sat on the edge of the couch weeping

“Jenny, I do… I do love you. You’re my best friend, of all the friends I have. If I didn’t love you would I still be here after all the shit we’ve put each other through?”

“Why can’t we be together? We can’t we start over?”

She stood up

“Can’t we forget that whore Kat, and all the bullshit she put us through? I’ve changed, I have. I’ve put a lot of effort into trying to be kind and open, like you”

She stopped and then turned to me
She sat on my lap and said “Let’s just forget I asked. Let’s not talk about it, ok? Please?” She asked again

but the penny was in the air

“I’ll give you this about it, and I’ll let it go” I said

“When we’re both sober we can discuss it. Right now let’s just be here. In this moment”

She smiled and pulled herself close

Before long she had fallen asleep in my lap

I carried her to my bed

I have made this trip with her so many times

I put her down gently and stroked her hair
She grasped my hand and pulled it to her breasts

I pulled away

“We’ve been drinking, and you need sleep, love” I said…

I wanted her

More than ever before

Her electricity was drawing me in

My broken pieces were reforming in front of me in the form of her body

My head reasoned so much that I left her take form of the bandage that would wrap itself around my body like an open wound

and mend it

heal it

but I couldn’t

It was different this time

She came here because I needed her and it turns out

She needed me just as much

I stroked her hair and rubbed her back until she fell asleep

After a couple of hours she emerged from my room

Sober and embarrassed

but there was nothing to be embarrassed about

She sat next to me and I pulled her on my lap

“Saturday” I said

“Saturday?” She asked?

I nodded

“What about it?”

“We’ll skate. We can talk about all the other stuff, if you want”

She just smiled and nodded

We sat for an hour listening to music

Very few words were spoken

We never really need words

She finally broke the silence and told me she should leave

I didn’t argue

I walked her out, holding her hand like it was the first time I’d touched it

We kissed and then she wrapped her thin arms around my neck

We stood for several long minutes just holding each other

She kissed my cheek and whispered with her sex voice in my ear


“Yes?” I said anxiously

“Shave your stupid pretty face. I hate that fucking shit” and then she kissed me

and punched me in the arm…

another quick peck on the cheek and she jumped in her car

She stopped at the edge of the driveway and I stepped forward a few steps

“I took your favorite shirt again” she said laughing

I watched her drive away quickly as I shook my head smiling

I stood in the cold air for several minutes wondering what I should do

I can’t over think it, I can’t let it get to me

Yet, here I am at 1:11 AM writing this, still awake



Smile, to think of you…

We could walk together

One thousand lifetimes

Holding hands

Sharing that same smile

and you’ll always return

To the one who has hurt you

Countless times

Continue on your journey, my dearest

Be happy

… if you can

I’ll always smile

to think of you…


Follow me on Twitter and Instagram: @tanisjustice

I Can’t

Stuck in traffic and no one to flirt with except truckers.

Not happening.

My phone rings and I don’t recognize the number.

I answer.

It could be the school, my doctor, or a random hot stranger.

It could be.

It wasn’t.

It’s the ex-girlfriend.

She flirts. We talk. She wants to grab lunch. I tell her I’ll think about it and say goodbye.

I turn on the radio. All 80’s! Yes!

They play:
Poison – Every Rose Has A Thorn
Bryan Adams – Cuts Like A Knife
The Cure – A Letter Yo Elise

I hear the echoes of the Universe in my heart.

Now I remember. Again. I can’t return to that place and pain. It doesn’t matter how much I miss her sometimes.

I text her snd it and it simply says:

“I can’t”

A Note To Myself

There are times
Where all I want
All I need are


Drifting from consciousness
Wandering of thought
I imagine where you are

and what we could be

There are moments
Fleeting at best
Trying to remember


Where are you?
Why can’t I find you?

Even in my dreams your light escapes me

and I am left alone
and afraid

I know that I am only whole when I am with you

I am only awake when we are alive together

I miss you


The Devils Desire

Under stars like the blanket that cover you

I kiss your lips

Heaven bows to the majestic view of your form

As I marvel in your greatness

Bowing only to your whims

Bending to your desire

I follow the road signs to your inner thighs

Slowly and gracefully

You succumb to my will

You overflow with overwhelming anticipation

I follow the white rabbit into it’s lair

Your nails drag into my back

Your screams piercing the very fabric of time

As I lead you down the path of nirvana

and into the very gates of the heavens that worship you

We both know that even the demons of hades envy you

The Devil himself watches as we dance in his smile

As the Gods of old and new turn a blind eye to our secrets

Secrets only we share

Under the the stars like the blanket that cover you

I Surrendered

“Stay…” She said softly

As I turned to walk away

“Please, won’t you?”

Her voice carried on as if it was the only sound I’d ever heard

So clear

So demanding

Yet soft and subtle

I stopped at the door

My jacket in hand

It’s already 3 AM

It’s already too late

My head was spinning from hours of her mental stimulation

and visions of her body

She held me tight

Like a sailor lost at sea

Clinging for life

and I was her lifeline

Our bodies merged in a merciless struggle to become one

We found our weary souls blazing new paths of love and excitement

Across the landscape of our flesh

Across the barrier of trust and doubt

“Why should I stay?” I asked hesitantly

“Because I need you” she said gruffly

“Because I know you want to” she whispered

Her voice

It called to me

Her voice

The Siren that Homer wrote about

My Siren

I must obey her call

I drop my jacket and walk slowly too her

I must obey her call

One last time

One more time tonight

It’s nearly daylight now

The time draws closer that I need to part

but I can’t separate myself from her

Our souls

Our bodies

Merging as one

Time and time again

Time after time

Meeting new gods and dispelling old one

Creating tiny universes and then destroying them

With the ever crushing blows of our bodies pushing into each other

Like the ocean waves crashing onto the shores of an undiscovered island

My love for her grew

Her love for me drew me in

and I surrendered to her

I surrendered to her will

and her body

and her mind

I surrendered

It’s the morning hour

I collect my thoughts

I collect my clothes

I pick my wrinkled jacket up from the floor

Where it’s lying in front of the door

I opened the door to leave

She beckoned once again

“Please, stay…”

and I surrendered

Recovering Souls

It’s my feeling that we are all recovering souls in one way or another. It’s fair to say that we all have some sort of addiction, and many of us feel broken in one way or another. I know I have felt that way a good portion of my life. Anymore I’ve finally figured out that the parts in me that I thought were broken or different are really what have built me into the person I am. The foundation to the house my soul lives in, if you’ll allow the analogy.

When I lost my close friendship with my best friend, Jennifer I really thought I’d never find another friend I could feel that close to. My friend Bonnie, who was there for me in my darkest period, couldn’t be that close because she lives so far away. She’ll always be my dearest friend. I realize after meditating on it that I have many good friends. I’m not going to list them, but this past February when I needed them they really stepped up. I’ll never be able to thank them enough.

In the wake of Jennifer I decided to really just hang out with my boys, work, write, and really work on myself. The Universe, as it seems the Universe always does, had another plan.

A while ago I started talking to someone. She lived near Stacey close to Astoria. She had a lot going on in her life, as I did, but we seemed to hit it off really well. I wasn’t looking for anything. After all I had all the drama of my own going on with Jenny and Kat. (and poor Stacey) it seemed silly to think I could have anything more to give of myself to anyone else, so we just talked. She was also in a relationship that was ending hard. We were just reaching out to each other to find someone that understood our situation without the need or desire to have a relationship. The truth is we both just needed an ear to listen to what was going on in the other’s life.

We became closer than we thought, but not in that “I feel the need to sleep with them or be in a relationship with them” attachment way. We were just friends. Now we don’t go a day without talking. A couple of weeks ago we even let our kids meet each other.

Here was the best part. Without the attachment that develops in most friendships we were able to keep close without the need for desire or expectation of anything from each other. Absolutely no expectations in any manner. We didn’t hold each other to anything other than just being completely open and honest about everything. I mean everything too. I found myself telling her things that I even felt odd talking to Jennifer about. I was as open with my new friend as I am with Bonnie, and I tell Bonnie everything. TMI x3! The friendship that developed with my new friend was different. Closer than we thought we’d become.

I love to skate, mostly longboard anymore. She wanted to learn how to skate, so I gave her my extra board, and she picked it up pretty quick. So I have a new skate partner, and it’s great because we can skate the trails to the beach.

The best part of my new friendship was just having someone I could finally just be my broken self around, and she didn’t care. She can be her broken self around me, and I don’t care. We can both be awkward, and silly without any judgement or need to be anything other than just us. Just be. One minute we’re talking serious about the person we have a crush on, the next minute we’re walking on the beach holding hands. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt I can just sit silently, and just not talk without the need to fill in needless, nervous conversation for the sake of filling time. We can just sit, watch the sunset, beach comb, or hang out without the need for the nasty non-vegan cream filling. We can simply just be. I’m as honestly surprised as she is we became such close friends.

When you remove desire and expectations the level of friendships you find and discover become deeper and more important.

Neither feel the need to rush into anything. That’s fantastic! It’s the feeling that when she looks at me, or listens to me that she’s really present and there with me that means the most. We don’t have the need to worry or plan for a future, because we are too busy living the moment we have. Moment by moment. Relaxed and fun. Living in that one moment. Doesn’t matter if we’re skating, or if she’s laughing at me for acting like an ass. Each moment is just there. Until we say goodbye. Even then we know it’s only temporary. We both get that. Life and everything else is temporary. So we don’t waste our time together living in regret, or ever worrying about judging each other for our messed up past. After all, it’s the past. We can’t change it, so why ever let it bother us. Our past is our story. It’s who we are. It’s why we are who we are. We can let it guide us or define us.

I’d prefer to let my past guide me. It doesn’t define me. I never wake up the same person as I was the day before. I can’t. That guy is gone. I wake up with more hair, more memories, and more enlightenment.

I’m not perfect. I’ll never be prefect. I’ll never try to be perfect.

I’m just a recovering soul.

Like you.

I have a new friend who has made my soul smile, and I hope I make her soul smile too. Life is too short. Live moment to moment in that moment, and just be. Be happy. Find that one friend that makes it all better.


Follow my on Twitter and Instagram @tanisjustice

My sound track while writing was all Blink 182 (because I actually get asked what I listen to while I write).