New Beginnings

New beginnings are always hard. It seems that since February ended I’ve had multiple starts and re-starts, but I keep wondering if any of them were true new beginnings. I’ve met some truly fantastic people, fallen in love, fallen out of love, had my Herat broken, and put my heart through every gambit of emotions it can take. Yet, it beats on stronger and harder.

Despite what people believe getting over my ex-wife was much easier than they think. I could say that it was hours of meditation or some secret zen Buddhist Jedi mind trick, but the truth is I had seen it coming for years. It was only through deep meditation that I could fit the pieces together. I found that although I did love her that it had been some time since I was actually in love with her and she with me. We, like many people, stuck it out for our kids. We were happy, sometimes. I believe I was happier than she was. I’m a true hopeless romantic, and I believe I wanted to believe that we were in love. I wanted the fairy tale, instead we were living a secret nightmare. Like all dreams though, we woke up.

“It’s easy to make promises when you’re dumb in love, and then watch them all evaporate when you’ve had enough.” – The Descendants

I’ve defiantly had my share of dating mishaps over the past few months. If you follow me on Twitter (@tanisjustice) or are friends with me on Facebook then you know I talk a lot about the dates I have, or even the girl I’m seeing at the time. I usually don’t use their names. There have been a few times I have. Usually it’s Yoga Girl, Kitten, etc. Here’s an example. If you’ve read any of my blog you’ve read about Stacey. I left Stacey waiting for a girl who continually broke my heart, used me to get closer to the guy she really wanted, accused me of love fraud (which turns out what she was doing to make the other guy jealous), and finally got angry because I wouldn’t introduce her to my best friend Jennifer. Jennifer hated this other woman, and wanted nothing to do with her. What ended up happening was the entire thing pushed Jennifer and I closer together. We jumped into bed, and ruined a perfect friendship. We’ve tried to repair it, but it’s just not there anymore. Which is sad, because I miss her so much sometimes. Even when she visits it just isn’t the same. So Stacey? Stacey, the girl who waited, stopped waiting. I don’t blame her. I’m not exactly a catch, in my opinion. She’s a good girl, and she deserves better than someone who left her waiting. She’s happy now. I’d guess happier than I could have made her. That really makes me happy.

Where am I now? Who knows. Who cares? I’m rooted in the Tao, and the Universe has my back.

A few weeks ago I took my boys to the coast to skate, skimboard, and to fly kites. My favorite little red kite’s string broke, and it floated away with the wind out over the ocean. I took this as a sign to let it all go. The worry about falling in love, the worry about being alone, and the worries about everything outside of those two smiling boys I love so much.

The truth is I’m happy with the way things are. Sure, I could have a better living situation. I could make more money. I could have waited it out with Jennifer to see if it was really going somewhere, but I didn’t. It wasn’t right. I could finally see the forest. By watching that kite float away it made me realize that it’s all going to be ok. It was my favorite kite. It was. It’s an object. It can be replaced. It brought me back to one of the basic Buddhist principles, everything is temporary. It’s just a kite. It’s just a fear. It’s just (fill in the blank).

It’s all temporary.

My love goals? I have none. I’m just going to float like a leaf in the wind. The Universe has a plan. Hopefully it leads to a ginger with blue green eyes that sparkle like the stars at night. I’d settle for a blonde, or a woman who likes coffee and thinks I’m funny. (I am by the way!)

But really, who cares? Life goes on. It’s too short to put your energy into worry, regret, and grief.

I’ve done what I’ve done. I am who I am. I’m not who I want to be. I might not be where I should be, but I’m not the man I was. I can take comfort in that.

Thanks for reading. xoxo

Goodbye, for now…

Watching you collect you scattered clothes and pack your bags is heartbreaking
Our time together is so brief, yet neither wants to be here

We fit so well together, like a puzzle piece

A missing piece exists

It keeps up forever apart

You walk back and forth humming
I’m not even sure which song it is

Your smile, my God, those lips
So many times I desired to kiss them
To bite them

To feel them over my body, gently

Like the rain falling softly over the ocean

And I have

So many times…

But this morning you’re leaving
Maybe for good
You may never return to me

A part of me is truly broken over this
A part of me rejoices that I’ll be free from your whims

Your resentment

Your rage

You…

Here I sit alone
At the head of the bed

The bed we would share in screaming ecstasy and joyful fulfillment so many times

It now sits as an empty shell of what we were

A ghost of you

Just an object that helps my mind retain the memory of your carved body

The gods went out of their way when they created your body

It’s still no reason to ask you to stay
I’ll never know another like you

Your love
Your passion

Your rage

I stop daydreaming long enough to see you slumped in front of me
Hoodie pulled up, leopard print bags in hand

Your hands are shaking with forever goodbyes
Your eyes are begging me to ask you to stay

And those lips

Those lips that were once my playground

You drop your bags and throw your arms around me
Holding me tight I feel your tears on my bare back

Then you kiss me hard, so hard
Harder than you had ever kissed me

I knew this was goodbye
Goodbye for now or goodbye forever

“Don’t get up, please. Please don’t follow me out.” You say to me.

I just smile
I don’t know what else to do

We both know it’s over
Sometimes things just have to be over

And then without a second glance back you walk out

This room is so silent
I’ve never heard it so silent

In the background I hear the thump of the end of the record we were listening to earlier that morning

Maybe it’s just my heart breaking

Thump
Thump
Thump
Thump
Thump

I walk to the window just to catch a final glance
You don’t look back

You never look back

Now you’re gone

My one true love

If you’ve never had to tell your soulmate goodbye then you’ll never understand this pain

I didn’t understand

Once again I am alone

These steps

Every breath takes me one step farther from you
Every sigh and every whisper from my heart move me one step closer

To forgetting the pain

Every step as I walk away leads me down the path of letting go
Every path I walk and every avenue I visit puts distance between us

And one step away from your memory

These are the steps I take
These are the steps I take

Nothing can ever be so wrong
Nothing could ever be so perfect

Knowing I’m better off without you
Knowing you are better off without me

Every step I take leads me to regret
Every step I take leads me to your face

I see it everywhere
I see you everywhere

These are the steps I take

They lead me in circles

They always lead me back to you

Butterfly

I had a dream that I was surrounded by butterflies
They covered everything around me like a blanket through the darkest night
As they flew around me I watched in child like wonder
Excitement filled every aspect of my soul

And then they flew away

Carrying with them a vision I had never seen

When the butterflies were gone I found new light and a new vision

I found you standing in the clearing of my mind

We Dance

We dance in open air in the corners of my mind
Our hearts beat in unison as great drums beating from tribes afar

We can’t be together
We can’t be apart

We dance in open fields of wind blown grass
Our hearts open wide to the many possibilities of where the universe will carry us

We can’t be together
We can’t be apart

We dance with the idea of being one, of walking the isle
Our hearts aren’t our own to control, so we won’t

We can’t be together
We can’t be apart

We dance because it’s all we have
In our hearts and minds

We dance

Untitled

I woke up with new eyes today
The same blue eyes have sat on opposites sides of my nose from birth

But when I woke up I seen the world differently

I walked in such painful strides before
Overlooking signs and appocoliptic visions of an end so near

Yet I ran so far from myself to hide

This Wednesday was no different from any other Wednesday
I woke up, I had coffee, and I read

But something changed when I though about the world around me and the people I loved

And the people who love me

Moving forward is often in the feat of gods
Normal men are rarely forced to trash against the moving streams of the universe

Yet here I am, struggling against my own thoughts and my own heart

There were one set of footprints in the sand
When I turned to ask why I was the only one standing there

In the end we are all alone

It’s the time I between birth and death that we discover
Finding pieces of ourselves and who we are

By the people we meet and the people we love

I am who I am because of the people I’ve met on my journey
We all are, and we are all part of one another

Connected

Lessons are often hard learned
The teachers of these lessons are often those we hold dearest

Hold everyone dear and love all

In the end your heart will break
In the end everyone will leave you

But until that end believe that love is all around you

Even in signs and appocoliptic visions

20140625-092350-33830146.jpg

Out of Eden

I look for answers everywhere
I see the faces of the uncaring

They always have answers for unasked questions

The tragedy comes from the distance between our heart and head
It’s the difference from picking from the tree of knowledge or choosing to be ignorant in the bliss of not knowing

There are some things I’d rather not know

I walked next to an angel
An angel who didn’t see she was Devine

Lost and broken since her own fall from heaven

There was always something painful in her eyes
Somehow she punished herself every time she smiled

It’s a smile that sets so many hearts on fire

I would have happily walked in the bliss of ignorance
But she offered me a fruit from the tree of knowledge

I woke up in a reality all to familiar to my life

My angel took my hand and we walked quietly
A path I hadn’t seen before but knew all the same

It was seasoned with darkness and painful memories

She kissed me soft and it hung to my lips like the morning dew
Then she pushed me away to cry

She was always pushing me away

There was no time for me
No time for what could have been

Then she led me out of Eden