Thoughts on life and love

I don’t count my year by good or bad times. I just doesn’t make any sense to me. I can honestly say that my shitty vs. good days this past year were pretty even. Maybe, but does it really matter? So what? I had some really shitty times last year. I try not to look back. I try always to move forward, but when an editor asks me to give a three minute review on my year I focused on these things: I spent so much time with my kids. We skated, we went to the beach, we played with Legos, we smiled a lot. We hugged a lot. We lived life. I got this second job that had nothing to do with writing or photography. I ended up loving it. I got to meet, and fall in love with so many people along the way. Nearly all of them. I made some of the best friends I’ll ever have, and rekindled my friendship with others. I swam naked in the ocean with a beautiful friend, I kissed the most amazing woman I have ever met, and I got to make her smile.

Isn’t that what it should really be about? The smiles? The good times?

I think so…

I decided last year I would start counting my blessings, and try never to look back at hard times except to remind myself how far I’ve come.

Because I have.

I’ve been through the pits of Hell. I have snapshots and scars to prove it. I’ve been Icarus. I really discovered that I needed to humble myself, and live life more with less. In many ways I found this out too late, but isn’t that good? Shredding the bad? I’m a pretty public figure I guess. I get stopped a lot because of writing and skating (I’m not very good at either btw), and I try to chat with every person who stops me. I learn something new from everyone I meet. Often times it’s something I like or don’t like about myself, but I do learn. This being a public figure thing haunts me sometimes. It isn’t nearly as exciting as I thought it might be at times, but I appreciate everyone who has made it possible. I only wish it didn’t affect the people I love the most.

I don’t have some grand spiritual journey. I simply want to live by “Be kind and love”. Some days I do very good, and other days I fail. Most often with the people who I’m closest to.

I love deeply, very deeply. I try to take a piece of everyone I meet with me everywhere. Love is really what it’s all about. When you find real love it makes you question everything. The person you were before slowly starts to change, and we become softer in many ways. Holding on to love is the hardest. It all comes down to faith. Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. You might get hurt, you might not. I would rather chance being hurt, and discovering a deeper true love experience than give it up too easy.

As I sat on top of a camper meditating in mid November at the California/Arizona border I made a promise to myself. Don’t give in too easy, and don’t give up so easy.

It’s easy to give up and walk away. I’m guilty to holding onto things far longer than I should. Mostly out of fear of rejection or abandonment. That changed that night. I watched a shooting star right after I finished meditating. I didn’t read some grand message, but I did see it as a sign that it was time to move forward as a stronger, better, more loving human person.

I fail a lot. I get back up. I fail again. No matter how my anxiety and depression kick in I still always try to find the bright side.


My bright side will always be love.

Thank you for reading,



Twitter and Instagram @tanisjustice

The Tao of Tanis – Love

My life all too often is a whirlwind.

The sad part? It doesn’t have to be. I choose my paths. My choices mold who I am and my future. When I choose to cultivate good or bad karma I make a conscious decision to do what’s right or what’s wrong. I’ve made so many bad decisions in my life. I’ve also made many good ones. I’d like to think I’ve spent more time cultivating good karma. When dealing with my ex-wife it doesn’t seem so. As much as everyone tells me not to I try to be kind to her. It’s really hard for me sometimes. I don’t need to go into the reasons why. She and I (and a couple of people I’m close to) know why. My point? Every situation gives you the opportunity to cultivate karma, good or bad. 

As a Buddhist I mediate. Not as much as I should (sometimes I really think I’m the worst Buddhist ever), but at least twice a day I meditate, and I try to keep mindful of what I do throughout the day. My emotions get the best of me sometimes. Much too often. Yes I’m a Buddhist, but I also have autism. Sometimes I’m irrational and act out of emotion instead of really putting the thought into what I’m doing. This really hit me hard this weekend with the one woman I’ve ever really felt was my soul mate. I let all the stress and frustration with my ex get to me, all the hardship my kids are going through, and all of my current financial issues etc cloud my judgement. I actually told her we shouldn’t see each other. Not a wise choice by any means. She’s really so much closer to my soul than I’m willing to admit,well until just now. Fortunately besides being the most beautiful woman I know she’s also very forgiving. I hurt her though. That’s my crown of thorns. I need to do what I can to repair that. If you really have a chance to be happy learn from me, and don’t screw it up because of your fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem. 

I have several mantras I use regularly.

One of them simply says: “I can let go of my past because I deserve a beautiful future.”

I don’t always believe it but I still say it. I say this one every morning and every night.

Don’t let your horrible past obscure your beautiful future.

Chances are you’ve been treated like crap by someone. Someone has hurt you. All too often we hold onto these emotions, and then we base all of our new relationships on these other people. This is based on the attachment to the emotions we have for the pain they’ve caused us. When you do this you cheat yourself from so many beautiful and fantastic experiences. There are so many people out there who are willing to love you unconditionally if you’ll just open up to them.

Let it go…

Letting go is a very Buddhist belief. It does seem hard at first. You can do it. Meditation is your guide. Yoga can help as well. Your biggest obstacle is getting into your own head. Once you get in there you can kick out all those demons and bad thoughts that keep you from loving to your fullest. When all of your self doubt is gone you find that you see love everywhere and in everything.

Find a meditation teacher, a Buddhist temple, a yoga class, or just take a few minutes out every day to really cultivate some good karma by meditating or praying on love and on being love. If you have any questions or aren’t sure where to turn to for help email me. I answer all emails. You can find that in my “about” area.

Find time to find you. Fall in love with you, and falling in love with someone else is easy. I’m a true hopeless romantic. Even if I’ve been jaded from my past I believe in true love. Love that’s pure and unconditional. You should too. You deserve to be happy.

Be happy.

Let go of pain and find love!

Throw yourself into the ocean of your mind and swim with the idea.




Follow me on Twitter. You might be disappointed because I am a different kind of Buddhist, but I always have something to say.




Relationship Status

I had recently changed my Facebook relationship status to “In a complicated relationship”. Now say what you want about your Facebook friends, but mine really are the best in the world! (even the people I frustrate every day with endless quotes from Buddha and Snoopy) My friends immediately surrounded me, like a wagon train, and went into protective mode. They know the past few years has been really hard for me. Most of the people on my personal Facebook page I’ve know most of my life.
One friend asked:
“Aren’t all relationships complicated?”

My response was this:

” They shouldn’t be though. As humans we seem to complicate things, which is funny since we’re supposed to be the most intelligent species on the planet. But when we let go of ego, attachment, and expectations something really beautiful and fantastic happens!”

Love knows no boundaries, has no country, has no color, but what it has, what it gives us is hope…

Love someone. Love them deep, and stay true. Life is beautiful. Share a little love with the whole world. Be kind. Be forgiving.

Be a person who is love and love will always find you.