A ghost of you

A ghost of you walks through my heart

In my deepest thoughts like a hallway you roam

I thought I let you behind

I thought you were the remnant of a dream

Lost while I was waking

I feel myself walking away

I feel your eyes following

I feel your heart beat from across the room

“Give me a chance” you say

“One more shot, I’ll do better. I’ll love only you”

You lie

You always lie

Your forked tongue stabbing at me

Feeling the puncture wounds in my back

I always believed you

Believed you love me

Loved

It wasn’t love

It wasn’t anything

The dream will fade

They always do

When you wake from a nightmare you always feel safe

I was safe in your arms

but never in your heart

Never was my heart safe with you

Goodbye, my love

Goodbye

When he leaves I won’t return

I’m not that man anymore

The man who loved you unconditionally

I know my worth

A ghost of you is all that remains in my heart

I’ll hire a priest to fix that

Recovering Souls

It’s my feeling that we are all recovering souls in one way or another. It’s fair to say that we all have some sort of addiction, and many of us feel broken in one way or another. I know I have felt that way a good portion of my life. Anymore I’ve finally figured out that the parts in me that I thought were broken or different are really what have built me into the person I am. The foundation to the house my soul lives in, if you’ll allow the analogy.

When I lost my close friendship with my best friend, Jennifer I really thought I’d never find another friend I could feel that close to. My friend Bonnie, who was there for me in my darkest period, couldn’t be that close because she lives so far away. She’ll always be my dearest friend. I realize after meditating on it that I have many good friends. I’m not going to list them, but this past February when I needed them they really stepped up. I’ll never be able to thank them enough.

In the wake of Jennifer I decided to really just hang out with my boys, work, write, and really work on myself. The Universe, as it seems the Universe always does, had another plan.

A while ago I started talking to someone. She lived near Stacey close to Astoria. She had a lot going on in her life, as I did, but we seemed to hit it off really well. I wasn’t looking for anything. After all I had all the drama of my own going on with Jenny and Kat. (and poor Stacey) it seemed silly to think I could have anything more to give of myself to anyone else, so we just talked. She was also in a relationship that was ending hard. We were just reaching out to each other to find someone that understood our situation without the need or desire to have a relationship. The truth is we both just needed an ear to listen to what was going on in the other’s life.

We became closer than we thought, but not in that “I feel the need to sleep with them or be in a relationship with them” attachment way. We were just friends. Now we don’t go a day without talking. A couple of weeks ago we even let our kids meet each other.

Here was the best part. Without the attachment that develops in most friendships we were able to keep close without the need for desire or expectation of anything from each other. Absolutely no expectations in any manner. We didn’t hold each other to anything other than just being completely open and honest about everything. I mean everything too. I found myself telling her things that I even felt odd talking to Jennifer about. I was as open with my new friend as I am with Bonnie, and I tell Bonnie everything. TMI x3! The friendship that developed with my new friend was different. Closer than we thought we’d become.

I love to skate, mostly longboard anymore. She wanted to learn how to skate, so I gave her my extra board, and she picked it up pretty quick. So I have a new skate partner, and it’s great because we can skate the trails to the beach.

The best part of my new friendship was just having someone I could finally just be my broken self around, and she didn’t care. She can be her broken self around me, and I don’t care. We can both be awkward, and silly without any judgement or need to be anything other than just us. Just be. One minute we’re talking serious about the person we have a crush on, the next minute we’re walking on the beach holding hands. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt I can just sit silently, and just not talk without the need to fill in needless, nervous conversation for the sake of filling time. We can just sit, watch the sunset, beach comb, or hang out without the need for the nasty non-vegan cream filling. We can simply just be. I’m as honestly surprised as she is we became such close friends.

When you remove desire and expectations the level of friendships you find and discover become deeper and more important.

Neither feel the need to rush into anything. That’s fantastic! It’s the feeling that when she looks at me, or listens to me that she’s really present and there with me that means the most. We don’t have the need to worry or plan for a future, because we are too busy living the moment we have. Moment by moment. Relaxed and fun. Living in that one moment. Doesn’t matter if we’re skating, or if she’s laughing at me for acting like an ass. Each moment is just there. Until we say goodbye. Even then we know it’s only temporary. We both get that. Life and everything else is temporary. So we don’t waste our time together living in regret, or ever worrying about judging each other for our messed up past. After all, it’s the past. We can’t change it, so why ever let it bother us. Our past is our story. It’s who we are. It’s why we are who we are. We can let it guide us or define us.

I’d prefer to let my past guide me. It doesn’t define me. I never wake up the same person as I was the day before. I can’t. That guy is gone. I wake up with more hair, more memories, and more enlightenment.

I’m not perfect. I’ll never be prefect. I’ll never try to be perfect.

I’m just a recovering soul.

Like you.

I have a new friend who has made my soul smile, and I hope I make her soul smile too. Life is too short. Live moment to moment in that moment, and just be. Be happy. Find that one friend that makes it all better.

xoxo

Follow my on Twitter and Instagram @tanisjustice

My sound track while writing was all Blink 182 (because I actually get asked what I listen to while I write).

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She Dances

A silver men’s watch rested on her wrist

Like her soul it was broken long ago

It was worn as a reminder of her past

She has no need for time

She’s never in a hurry

The world stands still and marvels at her as she dances by herself

With her selves

Many forgotten memories come flooding back

As she hides the tears

She climbs into a bottle

“When will I find it?” She screams

Her day is coming

It has been told by the stars of a thousand worlds

As two suns revolve around her heart

Now…

Now she waits

Silently dancing to the hum of the Universe

As it calls to her in her sleep

She

She stood alone

Naked

Bare

Body
Mind
and Soul

In front of the Universe

She stood

Broken
Alone
and Afraid

She walks countless beaches looking for lost treasure
She waits for something real

Something true

She gathers the lost children of the Ent
Putting them back together in sorted menageries that resemble her scattered thoughts

and her long broken heart

Walking with sticks
Lost in thought

but she hasn’t lost her way

One by one she places her lost children in bags and returns home
She gives them new homes
New lives
New purpose

She gives herself new purpose
She gives herself

Hope

Three lost sheep follow her
She guides them now that she can see

The great veil has dropped

She can see

She can live

Finally live

Moving forward

She needs no one to walk with her
She is strong alone

As she is

She looks out over the great Pacific to the lighthouse
She looks for someone to walk with her

Not to bring her strength

but to love her as she is

Strong yet frail

Peering into the soul as if it were a window

Seeking only to know her
To know her presence

Finding the cracks that tell her story
Hearing that story
Line by line
Offering only friendship and kindness in return

Forms of nostalgia dance like fireflies in the night
As memories often do
…but he only seeks to know her soul

Her true form

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This was written for a very close friend of mine. She’s touched my soul, as few do. So few people strive to be close friends anymore. It’s nice to have this friendship with her.

xoxo

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New Beginnings

New beginnings are always hard. It seems that since February ended I’ve had multiple starts and re-starts, but I keep wondering if any of them were true new beginnings. I’ve met some truly fantastic people, fallen in love, fallen out of love, had my Herat broken, and put my heart through every gambit of emotions it can take. Yet, it beats on stronger and harder.

Despite what people believe getting over my ex-wife was much easier than they think. I could say that it was hours of meditation or some secret zen Buddhist Jedi mind trick, but the truth is I had seen it coming for years. It was only through deep meditation that I could fit the pieces together. I found that although I did love her that it had been some time since I was actually in love with her and she with me. We, like many people, stuck it out for our kids. We were happy, sometimes. I believe I was happier than she was. I’m a true hopeless romantic, and I believe I wanted to believe that we were in love. I wanted the fairy tale, instead we were living a secret nightmare. Like all dreams though, we woke up.

“It’s easy to make promises when you’re dumb in love, and then watch them all evaporate when you’ve had enough.” – The Descendants

I’ve defiantly had my share of dating mishaps over the past few months. If you follow me on Twitter (@tanisjustice) or are friends with me on Facebook then you know I talk a lot about the dates I have, or even the girl I’m seeing at the time. I usually don’t use their names. There have been a few times I have. Usually it’s Yoga Girl, Kitten, etc. Here’s an example. If you’ve read any of my blog you’ve read about Stacey. I left Stacey waiting for a girl who continually broke my heart, used me to get closer to the guy she really wanted, accused me of love fraud (which turns out what she was doing to make the other guy jealous), and finally got angry because I wouldn’t introduce her to my best friend Jennifer. Jennifer hated this other woman, and wanted nothing to do with her. What ended up happening was the entire thing pushed Jennifer and I closer together. We jumped into bed, and ruined a perfect friendship. We’ve tried to repair it, but it’s just not there anymore. Which is sad, because I miss her so much sometimes. Even when she visits it just isn’t the same. So Stacey? Stacey, the girl who waited, stopped waiting. I don’t blame her. I’m not exactly a catch, in my opinion. She’s a good girl, and she deserves better than someone who left her waiting. She’s happy now. I’d guess happier than I could have made her. That really makes me happy.

Where am I now? Who knows. Who cares? I’m rooted in the Tao, and the Universe has my back.

A few weeks ago I took my boys to the coast to skate, skimboard, and to fly kites. My favorite little red kite’s string broke, and it floated away with the wind out over the ocean. I took this as a sign to let it all go. The worry about falling in love, the worry about being alone, and the worries about everything outside of those two smiling boys I love so much.

The truth is I’m happy with the way things are. Sure, I could have a better living situation. I could make more money. I could have waited it out with Jennifer to see if it was really going somewhere, but I didn’t. It wasn’t right. I could finally see the forest. By watching that kite float away it made me realize that it’s all going to be ok. It was my favorite kite. It was. It’s an object. It can be replaced. It brought me back to one of the basic Buddhist principles, everything is temporary. It’s just a kite. It’s just a fear. It’s just (fill in the blank).

It’s all temporary.

My love goals? I have none. I’m just going to float like a leaf in the wind. The Universe has a plan. Hopefully it leads to a ginger with blue green eyes that sparkle like the stars at night. I’d settle for a blonde, or a woman who likes coffee and thinks I’m funny. (I am by the way!)

But really, who cares? Life goes on. It’s too short to put your energy into worry, regret, and grief.

I’ve done what I’ve done. I am who I am. I’m not who I want to be. I might not be where I should be, but I’m not the man I was. I can take comfort in that.

Thanks for reading. xoxo

Goodbye, for now…

Watching you collect you scattered clothes and pack your bags is heartbreaking
Our time together is so brief, yet neither wants to be here

We fit so well together, like a puzzle piece

A missing piece exists

It keeps up forever apart

You walk back and forth humming
I’m not even sure which song it is

Your smile, my God, those lips
So many times I desired to kiss them
To bite them

To feel them over my body, gently

Like the rain falling softly over the ocean

And I have

So many times…

But this morning you’re leaving
Maybe for good
You may never return to me

A part of me is truly broken over this
A part of me rejoices that I’ll be free from your whims

Your resentment

Your rage

You…

Here I sit alone
At the head of the bed

The bed we would share in screaming ecstasy and joyful fulfillment so many times

It now sits as an empty shell of what we were

A ghost of you

Just an object that helps my mind retain the memory of your carved body

The gods went out of their way when they created your body

It’s still no reason to ask you to stay
I’ll never know another like you

Your love
Your passion

Your rage

I stop daydreaming long enough to see you slumped in front of me
Hoodie pulled up, leopard print bags in hand

Your hands are shaking with forever goodbyes
Your eyes are begging me to ask you to stay

And those lips

Those lips that were once my playground

You drop your bags and throw your arms around me
Holding me tight I feel your tears on my bare back

Then you kiss me hard, so hard
Harder than you had ever kissed me

I knew this was goodbye
Goodbye for now or goodbye forever

“Don’t get up, please. Please don’t follow me out.” You say to me.

I just smile
I don’t know what else to do

We both know it’s over
Sometimes things just have to be over

And then without a second glance back you walk out

This room is so silent
I’ve never heard it so silent

In the background I hear the thump of the end of the record we were listening to earlier that morning

Maybe it’s just my heart breaking

Thump
Thump
Thump
Thump
Thump

I walk to the window just to catch a final glance
You don’t look back

You never look back

Now you’re gone

My one true love

If you’ve never had to tell your soulmate goodbye then you’ll never understand this pain

I didn’t understand

Once again I am alone

My favorite shirt

On the edge of my bed she sits waiting for the sun to rise

My favorite shirt hangs from her like a dress
It’s the only thing she’s wearing

I hear her singing “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey under her breath
“I will love you til the end of time…”

As the morning light presses through the shades I admire her
Her face lights up when she looks over and sees that I am awake

Warmly I smile back

She’s my best friend
My lover

We could be so much more
We could have a love that would make the stars jealous

We could
But we don’t

My favorite shirt hangs from her like a dress and she crawls towards me
Slow, seductive, almost cat like

“Coffee?” She says playfully
I just smile and she glides off into the next room singing

Nothing makes me happier than she does at times
Nothing brings me down more than she does at times

We crossed that invisible line
The one that friends should never cross

Yet here we are
Just as close
Just as we were

Almost

Time away has done nothing to change our reactions to each other
Distance has played no part in creating a void

Here I sit, watching her dance to “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure

My favorite song, she knows these things
She knows everything about me and still loves me

She hates me as much as she loves me
And I love her as much as I hate her

Our passion is hot
When we make love it’s like a volcano erupting I to an ocean of endless madness

Sometimes that’s all we have
Sometimes that’s enough

It’s enough this morning
It’s enough…

She’ll be leaving soon

I’ll miss her and be glad she’s gone

She’ll miss me and be glad she’s gone

We can never be
We will never be truly and madly in love

Yet we are so madly in love with the idea of being with each other

She hates me as much as she loves me
And I love her as much as I hate her

…and my favorite shirt hangs from her like a dress

And I, I am captivated by her every move

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