New Beginnings

New beginnings are always hard. It seems that since February ended I’ve had multiple starts and re-starts, but I keep wondering if any of them were true new beginnings. I’ve met some truly fantastic people, fallen in love, fallen out of love, had my Herat broken, and put my heart through every gambit of emotions it can take. Yet, it beats on stronger and harder.

Despite what people believe getting over my ex-wife was much easier than they think. I could say that it was hours of meditation or some secret zen Buddhist Jedi mind trick, but the truth is I had seen it coming for years. It was only through deep meditation that I could fit the pieces together. I found that although I did love her that it had been some time since I was actually in love with her and she with me. We, like many people, stuck it out for our kids. We were happy, sometimes. I believe I was happier than she was. I’m a true hopeless romantic, and I believe I wanted to believe that we were in love. I wanted the fairy tale, instead we were living a secret nightmare. Like all dreams though, we woke up.

“It’s easy to make promises when you’re dumb in love, and then watch them all evaporate when you’ve had enough.” – The Descendants

I’ve defiantly had my share of dating mishaps over the past few months. If you follow me on Twitter (@tanisjustice) or are friends with me on Facebook then you know I talk a lot about the dates I have, or even the girl I’m seeing at the time. I usually don’t use their names. There have been a few times I have. Usually it’s Yoga Girl, Kitten, etc. Here’s an example. If you’ve read any of my blog you’ve read about Stacey. I left Stacey waiting for a girl who continually broke my heart, used me to get closer to the guy she really wanted, accused me of love fraud (which turns out what she was doing to make the other guy jealous), and finally got angry because I wouldn’t introduce her to my best friend Jennifer. Jennifer hated this other woman, and wanted nothing to do with her. What ended up happening was the entire thing pushed Jennifer and I closer together. We jumped into bed, and ruined a perfect friendship. We’ve tried to repair it, but it’s just not there anymore. Which is sad, because I miss her so much sometimes. Even when she visits it just isn’t the same. So Stacey? Stacey, the girl who waited, stopped waiting. I don’t blame her. I’m not exactly a catch, in my opinion. She’s a good girl, and she deserves better than someone who left her waiting. She’s happy now. I’d guess happier than I could have made her. That really makes me happy.

Where am I now? Who knows. Who cares? I’m rooted in the Tao, and the Universe has my back.

A few weeks ago I took my boys to the coast to skate, skimboard, and to fly kites. My favorite little red kite’s string broke, and it floated away with the wind out over the ocean. I took this as a sign to let it all go. The worry about falling in love, the worry about being alone, and the worries about everything outside of those two smiling boys I love so much.

The truth is I’m happy with the way things are. Sure, I could have a better living situation. I could make more money. I could have waited it out with Jennifer to see if it was really going somewhere, but I didn’t. It wasn’t right. I could finally see the forest. By watching that kite float away it made me realize that it’s all going to be ok. It was my favorite kite. It was. It’s an object. It can be replaced. It brought me back to one of the basic Buddhist principles, everything is temporary. It’s just a kite. It’s just a fear. It’s just (fill in the blank).

It’s all temporary.

My love goals? I have none. I’m just going to float like a leaf in the wind. The Universe has a plan. Hopefully it leads to a ginger with blue green eyes that sparkle like the stars at night. I’d settle for a blonde, or a woman who likes coffee and thinks I’m funny. (I am by the way!)

But really, who cares? Life goes on. It’s too short to put your energy into worry, regret, and grief.

I’ve done what I’ve done. I am who I am. I’m not who I want to be. I might not be where I should be, but I’m not the man I was. I can take comfort in that.

Thanks for reading. xoxo

Goodbye, for now…

Watching you collect you scattered clothes and pack your bags is heartbreaking
Our time together is so brief, yet neither wants to be here

We fit so well together, like a puzzle piece

A missing piece exists

It keeps up forever apart

You walk back and forth humming
I’m not even sure which song it is

Your smile, my God, those lips
So many times I desired to kiss them
To bite them

To feel them over my body, gently

Like the rain falling softly over the ocean

And I have

So many times…

But this morning you’re leaving
Maybe for good
You may never return to me

A part of me is truly broken over this
A part of me rejoices that I’ll be free from your whims

Your resentment

Your rage

You…

Here I sit alone
At the head of the bed

The bed we would share in screaming ecstasy and joyful fulfillment so many times

It now sits as an empty shell of what we were

A ghost of you

Just an object that helps my mind retain the memory of your carved body

The gods went out of their way when they created your body

It’s still no reason to ask you to stay
I’ll never know another like you

Your love
Your passion

Your rage

I stop daydreaming long enough to see you slumped in front of me
Hoodie pulled up, leopard print bags in hand

Your hands are shaking with forever goodbyes
Your eyes are begging me to ask you to stay

And those lips

Those lips that were once my playground

You drop your bags and throw your arms around me
Holding me tight I feel your tears on my bare back

Then you kiss me hard, so hard
Harder than you had ever kissed me

I knew this was goodbye
Goodbye for now or goodbye forever

“Don’t get up, please. Please don’t follow me out.” You say to me.

I just smile
I don’t know what else to do

We both know it’s over
Sometimes things just have to be over

And then without a second glance back you walk out

This room is so silent
I’ve never heard it so silent

In the background I hear the thump of the end of the record we were listening to earlier that morning

Maybe it’s just my heart breaking

Thump
Thump
Thump
Thump
Thump

I walk to the window just to catch a final glance
You don’t look back

You never look back

Now you’re gone

My one true love

If you’ve never had to tell your soulmate goodbye then you’ll never understand this pain

I didn’t understand

Once again I am alone

My favorite shirt

On the edge of my bed she sits waiting for the sun to rise

My favorite shirt hangs from her like a dress
It’s the only thing she’s wearing

I hear her singing “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey under her breath
“I will love you til the end of time…”

As the morning light presses through the shades I admire her
Her face lights up when she looks over and sees that I am awake

Warmly I smile back

She’s my best friend
My lover

We could be so much more
We could have a love that would make the stars jealous

We could
But we don’t

My favorite shirt hangs from her like a dress and she crawls towards me
Slow, seductive, almost cat like

“Coffee?” She says playfully
I just smile and she glides off into the next room singing

Nothing makes me happier than she does at times
Nothing brings me down more than she does at times

We crossed that invisible line
The one that friends should never cross

Yet here we are
Just as close
Just as we were

Almost

Time away has done nothing to change our reactions to each other
Distance has played no part in creating a void

Here I sit, watching her dance to “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure

My favorite song, she knows these things
She knows everything about me and still loves me

She hates me as much as she loves me
And I love her as much as I hate her

Our passion is hot
When we make love it’s like a volcano erupting I to an ocean of endless madness

Sometimes that’s all we have
Sometimes that’s enough

It’s enough this morning
It’s enough…

She’ll be leaving soon

I’ll miss her and be glad she’s gone

She’ll miss me and be glad she’s gone

We can never be
We will never be truly and madly in love

Yet we are so madly in love with the idea of being with each other

She hates me as much as she loves me
And I love her as much as I hate her

…and my favorite shirt hangs from her like a dress

And I, I am captivated by her every move

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Something Familiar

There is something familiar about her
Her smell
Her touch

Having her lying next to me
Her lips
Her breath

The way she moves
So automatic to my touch
So obedient to my words

I push forward to hold her
She pushes back with lust
We dance to the sounds of our own passion

There is something familiar about her
Her smell
Her touch

Our love long forgotten
Our souls separated
Our passion fading

There is something familiar about her
Her lips
Her breath

Breathing in my soul
Tied to my will
Lying next to me

There is something familiar…

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My Dearest One

Motionless I lay silently on the floor as she played piano across the room

Note by note a stream of endless daydreams pass as if my mind were a kaleidoscope, and the memory of another woman was the shattered glass inside

The music stops with a sudden crash as though she read my thoughts and they crushed her

Softly and quietly she flows across the room as if she were hovering on a cloud and my thoughts were the wind that carried her

I reach for her hand
She takes mine
So soft, so gentle
Then she moves to join me on the floor

No words are spoken
They never need to be
She knows me and I know her

Our lips navigate towards one another like two lost souls coming together after a thousand years of separation

Our bodies meet as two new worlds begging to be explored

So we explore

Her soft hands move slowly along my neck and face
My hands find themselves exploring her waist and thighs
Our lips still locked in an eternal struggle, reaching deeply into each other’s heart

The thoughts of the other woman fade quickly as my love pours deeper into my lover
Motion after motion the struggle our passion escapes and we join like the pieces of a puzzle

Upon the ultimate climax we fall deeply into each other’s arms

Waiting for one or the other to let go we hold on

We hold close

Never ending is the story of our love
Never ending are the unspoken words
Never ending until the ends comes

And the end always comes

As she walks away I feel alone, empty
The music starts as if it had never ended and she plays on

Note by note

My thoughts again turn to daydreams
They are now of her, my love

My dearest one

These steps

Every breath takes me one step farther from you
Every sigh and every whisper from my heart move me one step closer

To forgetting the pain

Every step as I walk away leads me down the path of letting go
Every path I walk and every avenue I visit puts distance between us

And one step away from your memory

These are the steps I take
These are the steps I take

Nothing can ever be so wrong
Nothing could ever be so perfect

Knowing I’m better off without you
Knowing you are better off without me

Every step I take leads me to regret
Every step I take leads me to your face

I see it everywhere
I see you everywhere

These are the steps I take

They lead me in circles

They always lead me back to you

Butterfly

I had a dream that I was surrounded by butterflies
They covered everything around me like a blanket through the darkest night
As they flew around me I watched in child like wonder
Excitement filled every aspect of my soul

And then they flew away

Carrying with them a vision I had never seen

When the butterflies were gone I found new light and a new vision

I found you standing in the clearing of my mind