On walking away

One night in early November I decided to go for a walk
It wasn’t uncommon for me to set out, but it was cold

I walked for hours looking at stars, and thinking about
all the things we’ve done and seen together

The cold crisp air cut sharply into my lungs,
and as the fog started to settle in
the clouds that hung over my brain started to fade

My heart was suddenly burdened with the painful truth
that you were never really mine, that you would always
run back to him, even though he would continually hurt you,
and that no matter how much I wish you really loved me back
I was now and always would be alone

Even sitting next to you…

So I pulled my jacket tight, and adjusted my hat
Much like a sailor adjusting his sails on the open ocean,
and I braced myself to the harsh reality of our relationship,
as if I was bracing the harsh drowning waves of the angry
unforgiving ocean

As I walked towards home I was suddenly relieved
I smiled and came to a single realization

It was time to walk away

not because I wanted to, but because it’s best for my heart

and for my happiness…

So I walked home, picked up the phone, and then slammed it down

Instead I poured a glass of wine

I didn’t matter anyway, so why waste my energy explaining why I was letting go

When you had never held on in the first place…

IMG_1044.JPG

Wondering

The biggest lie I tell people

Is that I’m ok…

On nights like tonight I’m my own worst enemy

Listening to the voices in my head telling me it’s all going to be ok,
but Knowing that they’re fucking lying to me

My friends, loved ones
They all say it’s going to be ok

but what do they really know?

Tonight of all nights I need to be alone

to feel alone

because I am…

It’s then I hear the front door

slowly squeaking open

A few seconds of silence and then I hear the familiar sound of footsteps climbing the stairs

Slowly moving their way to me
They seem so distant in my bourbon induced daydream

yet slowly they approach

In the doorway I see her

Smiling

Yawning

Her flat billed hat dripping with water

We both stare in silence
Both waiting for the other to speak

“Why are you here?” I ask

She just stares in silence
Her crystal blue eyes ripping their way into my soul

just like so many times before…

“Why did you come?” I choke out barely over a whisper

“You need me” she said softly

“Go home. Just go away from me. This is hard enough. I don’t need you, believe me” I growled

She paused for a moment
It could have been an hour, it could have been a day

Then she smiled and stepped sideways in and walked to me

She sat down graceful next to me on the couch and took my glass

In one gulp she finished it

I always admired that about her, she can hold her hard liqueur

After several minutes of silence she put her arms around me

I didn’t struggle

Every atom in my body was screaming out for her

and her touch is suddenly electric

She cleared her throat

“Hey” she said…
“I blew off a date with a really good looking guy to come see you, you furry faced fucker. Now fix me something to eat!”

She leaned in and kissed my forehead

I kissed her cheek and found my way into the kitchen

“Vegan Mac & Cheese it is”

She was excited. She always loves my cooking. She always loves when I remember she’s a vegan

“Most guys make such a fuss about the vegan bullshit. You always amaze me when you don’t fuss.” She said almost laughing…

She seems to forget I’m a vegetarian

We eat in small bites while holding almost no conversation

Mostly regarding pleasantries about our children, skating, or music.

“Oh!” She said over excitingly and sat her bowl down

“Look what I brought!” as she pulls out the new Pearl Jam record, Lightening Bolt

It was the first time I’d really smiled all day

I leaned in to hug her and as if nature itself took over I kissed her

and she kissed me back…

It was the first time in months that we’d both made the move to stay close without hesitation
Lingering on every second as if the breath between us was the last bit of air left in the entire universe, and then we released and a few seconds of awkward silence settled in.

The awkward silence is always deadly

“Here” she said jumping up and removing the vinyl record from it’s sleeve

“Do you mind if we listen to Sirens? I’ve been dying to hear this since I picked it up last month!”

“Last month?” I asked puzzled

“Well… Yes…” She half whispered in a raspy voice as she placed the record on the player

“Silly boy, you didn’t think I’d listen to it without you did you?” She asked with a smile

“Well, we said goodbye, again. I thought it was for good.” I exclaimed as I could taste the bourbon on my own breath

She smiled softly and only looked at me out of the corner of her eye

She loves to watch the record spin

She’s always most beautiful with the soft light and smiling

“We always say goodbye” she said bluntly “We never mean it, there are no real words for goodbye for us”

Her words rang in my ears like the sirens the music spoke of

She’s right though, she’s always right

We’ve said goodbye so many times, and as soon as we need each other we just show up. It seems some cosmic voice whispers in our ears to let us know that the other is broken and needs some sort of spiritual repair…

“We made a pact. When one or the other is breaking down, no matter where we are or what we’re doing we’ll do our best to be there.” She said quietly as if reading holy scriptures

and there I was breaking and here she is…

Smiling

Call it magic, kismet, serendipity, or cosmic whispers she always knows when I need her

as I know when she needs me…

She settled in close on the couch and we didn’t talk

We just listened

The music, our breathing, our hearts…

Then she turned slightly to me

Her face went white, and she seemed to forget herself

“What is it, Jenn?” I asked

“You’ll think I’m stupid” she said shyly

I don’t see her like this often, she’s rarely vulnerable like this

Maybe it was the bourbon, maybe it was the music

“I always think you’re stupid, and I hate you” I said pulling her close

Her lips met mine

I was aiming for her cheek…

“Don’t you even love me? Even a little?” She said with tears in her eyes

She pulled away and sat on the edge of the couch weeping

“Jenny, I do… I do love you. You’re my best friend, of all the friends I have. If I didn’t love you would I still be here after all the shit we’ve put each other through?”

“Why can’t we be together? We can’t we start over?”

She stood up

“Can’t we forget that whore Kat, and all the bullshit she put us through? I’ve changed, I have. I’ve put a lot of effort into trying to be kind and open, like you”

She stopped and then turned to me
She sat on my lap and said “Let’s just forget I asked. Let’s not talk about it, ok? Please?” She asked again

but the penny was in the air

“I’ll give you this about it, and I’ll let it go” I said

“When we’re both sober we can discuss it. Right now let’s just be here. In this moment”

She smiled and pulled herself close

Before long she had fallen asleep in my lap

I carried her to my bed

I have made this trip with her so many times

I put her down gently and stroked her hair
She grasped my hand and pulled it to her breasts

I pulled away

“We’ve been drinking, and you need sleep, love” I said…

I wanted her

More than ever before

Her electricity was drawing me in

My broken pieces were reforming in front of me in the form of her body

My head reasoned so much that I left her take form of the bandage that would wrap itself around my body like an open wound

and mend it

heal it

but I couldn’t

It was different this time

She came here because I needed her and it turns out

She needed me just as much

I stroked her hair and rubbed her back until she fell asleep

After a couple of hours she emerged from my room

Sober and embarrassed

but there was nothing to be embarrassed about

She sat next to me and I pulled her on my lap

“Saturday” I said

“Saturday?” She asked?

I nodded

“What about it?”

“We’ll skate. We can talk about all the other stuff, if you want”

She just smiled and nodded

We sat for an hour listening to music

Very few words were spoken

We never really need words

She finally broke the silence and told me she should leave

I didn’t argue

I walked her out, holding her hand like it was the first time I’d touched it

We kissed and then she wrapped her thin arms around my neck

We stood for several long minutes just holding each other

She kissed my cheek and whispered with her sex voice in my ear

“Tanis?”

“Yes?” I said anxiously

“Shave your stupid pretty face. I hate that fucking shit” and then she kissed me

and punched me in the arm…

another quick peck on the cheek and she jumped in her car

She stopped at the edge of the driveway and I stepped forward a few steps

“I took your favorite shirt again” she said laughing

I watched her drive away quickly as I shook my head smiling

I stood in the cold air for several minutes wondering what I should do

I can’t over think it, I can’t let it get to me

Yet, here I am at 1:11 AM writing this, still awake

Wondering…

IMG_1627.JPG

Happy Endings

Lying next to you

So often

We could be a thousand miles apart

and never touch each other

While making love

My fingers walk the contour of you body

Slowly
Slower

Softly

Tickling your aura
Touching your soul

but still keeping at arms length
Protecting my heart

While I wait in anticipation to taste you

Your lips

Softly
Softer

Against mine

As my fingers walk the contour of your body

Blindly
Boldly

As they have so many times

Freely

As your breath shallows in anticipation of the inevitable

Our minds wondering

and I know

and you know that I know

that there is no forever for us

There never was

and no happy endings…

Old Habits

Old habits die hard

Loving you was a habit

that won’t die

Your body

Your flesh

Kissing your lips

Licking your smile

These are habits that won’t die

On the beach alone

With your smile

I held you close

My hands exploring you

as the waves moved fast crashing around us

A fountain of love arose from our union

And you whispered softly in my ear

“I love you”

as we lay motionless on your secret beach

It was our last day together as we were

but what are we now?

Where are we?

You have a piece of me in your heart

and I carry a piece of you in mine

but can you tell me one thing you remember about me?

Not the things I love to do

but the things I love

Can you tell me anything about my smile?

My secret thoughts?

I’m sure you can

We remember

We hide it away

Whenever our eyes meet the eyes

of a new lover

But you, you will always be my favorite habit

and they say old habits die hard

My bed is so cold without you…